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Jewish Community News

News: September 2006

Window into a widow's world

By Norma Slavitt

“I love you,” is something my husband and I told one another almost daily. Inseparable for 47 years, we took advantage of the simple pleasures of life: visits with the grandchildren, enjoying the theatre and opera, our daily walks, dining out with friends and a very close, loving relationship. Our life seemed right on track. He had been healthy all his life, and my husband’s father lived until the age of 97, so we looked to the future with great optimism. My husband planned to retire soon and we would grow old together still walking hand-in-hand at the age of 100. But our story did not have the storybook ending we envisioned. Two years ago, the doctor diagnosed my husband with cancer. From that time on, life would never be the same again.

The ‘C’ word didn’t stop my husband from moving forward. (Out of respect for his privacy, I have intentionally not used his name.) He continued working all day, and spent late afternoons in the hospital’s “chemo factory.” My husband was a very private man; no one at work had any knowledge that he was sick, until the three-year battle was almost over. He never complained and had only cheerful words for all those who visited him. He was a remarkable man whose essence and loving spirit will remain with me forever.

On March 6, 2004, 47 years with the most wonderful husband came to an abrupt end. Suddenly my world came crashing down around me. There was a complete void in my life. In spite of support from family and friends, who were grieving the loss as well, I was overwhelmed. The art of finances was something he had always handled. I didn’t even know how to put gas in my car. Sleepless nights were filled with crying and the days were a struggle with the presenting challenges of finances, changing account names, preparing files, and so many other things that were foreign to me. Each challenge, each remembrance, sent a little electric shock through my body and could reduce me to tears. The year was filled with learning how to cope. While I had always been able to juggle four to five projects simultaneously – now it seemed I was suspended in time and space. I moved in slow motion, my focusing abilities were now suddenly diminished.

An emptiness and profound loneliness set in. It felt like I had fallen into a dark abyss from which I knew I must try to ascend, but I did not have the knowledge or skills to know how and where to take the next step. Perhaps it was fear of the unknown, the uncertainty that motivated me to attend my first support group.

I reached out for help. After trying several support groups I finally found one that fit, but it soon disintegrated. When it ended, I felt like a bird that had been placed on a slim branch of the tree and told to stretch my newly found wings and try to fly.

But, my story doesn’t end here. It is not easy for one to fly with new wings, to create a new “you.” I am now an individual no longer part of a “we” but trying to get used to living in the world solo. I am not the only one. There are hundreds of widows and widowers out there. I wonder how they are coping. There are social groups for widows and widowers who meet in a church. Maybe that meets a few people’s needs. What about those of us who are Jewish and are looking for something else? What is our Jewish community doing to help others who have lost their loved ones? I asked the question of my temple. That is what brought me to the Jewish Federation.

When I approached the Federation, I was grateful to be welcomed, to learn that someone was there to reach out and offer assistance. I was invited to a meeting with the JCC and JFS to discuss the needs of people who have lost a loved one. Not only did these people listen, they were willing to take action.

Do you know a widow or widower who could benefit from a program designed to meet their specific needs? Perhaps they would want to attend a havurah for widows/ widowers or maybe they are looking for a phone outreach program, a monthly or weekly symposium, a forum of professionals who could facilitate weekly or monthly meetings in a comforting and friendly environment.

The Addison-Penzak Jewish Community Center, in conjunction with JFS marriage and family therapist Vlada Gelford will host an initial planning meeting on Wednesday, September 13 at noon. Widows, widowers and other interested parties are invited to attend. Please come and offer suggestions for the group. Please call Vlada at 357-7456 for questions or comments.

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