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Jewish Community News

News: June 2004

Marrying outside the Tribe – a growing trend

By Shelley Leveson and Cecily Ruttenberg

A friend that is affiliated with a reform synagogue recently joined a havurah in the Santa Cruz area. After a few gatherings, she discovered that only one of the four families consisted of both a Jewish husband and wife. “It was a bit surprising,” she said.

Surprising, modern, fact-of-life, embracing, sad, disappointing, disgraceful—all these words have been applied to the growing trend towards intermarriage within the local and national Jewish communities.

However one chooses to look at it, the facts are undeniable. Forty-seven percent of Jews that married after 1996 have a non-Jewish partner, according to the 2000-01 National Jewish Population Survey (NJPS). By contrast, only 13 percent of Jews who married before 1970 intermarried. Among all married Jews living in the U.S. today, 31 percent are in intermarriages. And the figure is significantly higher here in the West, where 42 percent of married Jews have a non-Jewish partner.

Intermarriage has undoubtedly contributed to a decline of American Jews—between 5-10 percent over the past decade, according to recent studies. Almost all children with two Jewish parents are raised Jewish, compared to only one-third of the children of intermarried parents, according to the NJPS survey. Moreover, that one-third number drops significantly when the children themselves are polled. A 2001 UCLA-Hillel study found that 92% of college freshmen with two Jewish parents declared themselves Jewish, compared to 37% for freshmen with a Jewish mother and only 15% with a Jewish father.

The increase in intermarriage over the past fifty years can be traced to a variety of factors. The modern emphasis on career and mobility is often at odds with maintaining religious commitments and community ties. In addition, American workplaces have become extremely diverse, and Jews are increasingly socializing and working with people of all faiths. Ultimately, people fall in love with and marry those they spend time with.

“Many people who were raised strict end up meeting someone non-Jewish and falling in love although they may not have wanted it to happen.” said Ronnie Friedland, Editor of InterfaithFamily.com. “Jews aren’t isolated the way they used to be. We’ve become more a part of society. This isn’t limited to Jews either. All groups have seen an increase in intermarriage.”

Halacha and Marriage

According to Halacha—Jewish law as laid out in the Torah—intermarriage is explicitly forbidden. One source, found in the Torah and the Bible, is at the time of the scribe Ezra, in the 6th century BCE. When Ezra comes back to rebuild the second commonwealth, he tells the Israelites to divorce all their non-Jewish wives.”

So now, do not give your daughters to their sons, and do not wed their daughters to your sons, and do not seek after peace and their well-being forever . . .(Ezra 9:12); Now therefore make confession unto the Lord God of your fathers, and do his pleasure: and separate yourselves from the people of the land, and from the strange wives. (Ezra 10:11)

“It goes back even further,” explains Rabbi Eitan Julius of Congregation Sinai. “Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for his son Isaac from the land where he was born. This enforces the policy of endogamy, or marriage within the tribe.”

Orthodox and Conservative traditions view halacha as binding, although they may differ in interpretations, and neither Orthodox nor Conservative rabbis will perform intermarriages.

Reform Judaism does not view halacha as binding, still, the Reform movement has taken a position against rabbinic officiation in intermarriages, and many reform rabbis refuse to perform intermarriages. Those that do usually insist that the couple agree to maintain a Jewish home and raise any children as Jewish.

Rabbi Melanie Aron of the reform synagogue Shir Hadash in Los Gatos does not officiate at interfaith marriages, but offers a blessing of good health, happiness, and a long marriage to couples that are getting married, even if they are not both Jewish.

“I work hard to explain my policy to couples so that they will not feel personally rejected and so that we can work together in finding an appropriate expression of their shared values for their wedding,” says Aron. “I find this helps couples address their religious issues early in their relationship rather than having to address them later when children are born, or when the children ask questions.”

While most rabbis prefer “in marriage,” many acknowledge that rejecting Jews married to non-Jews would quickly shrink the American Jewish population to a very small group. (Many also believe it goes against an important open-arms philosophy to all Jewish people, regardless of whom they chose to marry). As a result, many synagogues have opened their arms to interfaith families, or at least the Jewish member of that family.

This wasn’t always the case. Several years after his children were born some 20 years ago, David Cohen, owner and publisher of the Silicon Valley Community Newspapers, took his wife Barbara, who is not Jewish, to services at the conservative synagogue Beth David. He wanted to get involved with a synagogue in order to raise his boys Jewish. Barbara was very supportive of the idea and came along to learn what she could.

“We had just moved up here from Los Angeles, and I had decided it would be nice to go as a family, the rabbi gives a sermon railing against intermarriage. It was the most offensive, destructive sermon. It was hurtful and I have never gone back again. We just said that’s it. Institutionalized religion is not for me,” said Cohen.

Deterred by this unwelcome feeling, Cohen never again approached a synagogue for membership. As his boys grew up, the family celebrated major Jewish holidays and attended High Holy Day services at the JCC ,but his boys did not attend religious or Hebrew school. Today, they do identify as being Jewish, however.

Reaching Out - The Reform Movement

The Reform movement has taken great strides to embrace families like the Cohens. The reform synagogue Shir Hadash, for example, has created a robust interfaith curriculum over the past several years. “We want to meet people where they are,” says Rabbi Aron. The synagogue offers several programs at differing levels of commitment, from interfaith discussion groups, to introduction to Judaism classes, to a buddy program for those undergoing conversion. “The future of Judaism depends on our ability to welcome families and help them find a place in our community,” says Aron. “Oftentimes a non-Jewish partner may feel that conversion is not an option. We will try to find other ways to work it out.”

Critical, is a commitment to raising children unequivocally Jewish. “In general, we encourage parents to have one set of holidays in the home. Non-Jewish holidays could be celebrated at a grandparent’s house, for example,” explains Aron.

The reform movement recognizes both patrilineal and matrilineal descent. Within the conservative and orthodox movements however, only a person born to a Jewish mother is Jewish. According to Aron, “During biblical times, patrilineal descent was unquestioned – both Moses and Joseph had non-Jewish wives yet their children were considered Jewish. It wasn’t until the 2nd Commonwealth, somewhere between 586 BCE and 78 CE, that matrilineal descent became the norm.”

Reform Judaism does, however, require that there also be a public affirmation of Jewishness, such as a baby naming or circumcision ceremony, consecration or Bar or Bat Mitzvah. More than half of the children attending religious school at Shir Hadash have a non-Jewish grandparent.

By all accounts, Shir Hadash’s outreach efforts have succeeded. Many interfaith families have felt welcome there. Linda and Mark Allen are one such family. She is Jewish and he is not. The couple met in college in the 1970’s and although Linda had been raised in a Jewish household that valued marrying within the faith, Mark was the man she was drawn to and eventually married. “We discussed whether or not we should date, and decided we could work things out,” says Mark.

The Allens joined Shir Hadash when their daughter was 5 and they were seeking more Jewish connection. Today, Mark, who plays guitar, often accompanies Saturday services as a lay cantor, and Linda has served as lay leader. They particularly found the synagogue’s outreach program valuable in learning strategies for including Mark’s family in celebrations and lifecycle events. Their children, Sharon and Matt, now 22 and 18, respectively, both consider themselves Jewish.

Conservative

At Congregation Sinai, one of two local conservative synagogues, Rabbi Julius will not perform intermarriage.

“The holy bonds of marriage are a religious ritual. When one person is not Jewish, the equation doesn’t work,” says Julius. “At the same time, I don’t want to turn away anyone who seriously wants to be involved.”

While the temple used to accept only the Jewish partner of a mixed marriage, three years ago this changed to allow the entire family to join.

He does, however, ask for a firm commitment to having a Jewish home and raising children as Jewish. And while a non-Jewish parent may not have a traditional role at a Jewish ceremony, there are many creative ways to include non-Jewish parents or grandparents, such as reading a prayer in English or reciting a poem.

Currently, 3-5% of the Sinai consists of families where one partner is not Jewish. “I don’t see intermarriage as an epidemic, but a circumstance of Jewish life in the 20th century. Every family is touched by it and our Jewish institutions need to rise to the challenge,” says Julius.

One area Conservative tradition differs sharply from Reform, however, is on the issue of matrilineal descent. Under Conservative law, if the woman is not Jewish, and does not undergo conversion before childbirth, then a child will need to be converted at some point to be considered Jewish and participate in rituals such as bar mitzvah.

Conservative conversions involve the traditional steps required by halacha including formal education, circumcision for males, immersion in a mikveh, and appearance before a Beit Din – a court of three rabbis. The new Gloria and Ken Levy Family campus will include a mikveh for conversions.

Orthodoxy

Orthodox Jews hold an even harder line on intermarriage.

“The Torah clearly instructs us not to marry out. This is further emphasized in the Talmud and the midrashim,” says Rabbi Joey Felsen, Executive Director of the Jewish Study Network in Mountain View.

Rivkie Vogel, the wife of a rabbi at the Orthodox Almaden Valley Torah Center, puts it more simply. “God forbids intermarriage. If God forbids it, then we know it is not good, not only for the Jew, but for the non-Jew.”

Felsen says the law has valid grounds, which are as relevant today as they were in biblical times. “Those coming from a similar background will share more areas of compatibility. Judaism is defined as more than a religion, it is a peoplehood, a way of life. When you are able to find a spouse that you can share that with in a meaningful way it makes for a rich relationship.”

Felsen argues that intermarriage is a symptom of Jewish disengagement, and that it perpetuates a vicious cycle. “Once one marries out, they are far less likely to reconnect. Judaism becomes something much more awkward to a Jew in an interfaith marriage,” says Felsen.

Many Orthodox congregations, however, are doing what they can to reduce that awkwardness – a big change from the exclusionary stance of years past. According to Vogel, the Jewish member of an interfaith family is welcome to join many Orthodox congregations and, if the spouse were considering converting, he would also be included. “However,” Vogel makes clear, “that is for a couple already married. Before that point everything possible would be done to discourage an intermarriage.”

Felsen believes that the current focus on intermarriage is somewhat misguided. “When I grew up in Toronto, which has a very strong Jewish community, the hot topic was intra-dating. Now the conversation has shifted. Intra-dating is basically accepted, and people are worrying about the next step, intermarriage. The community really needs to get at the overall issue and look at the root causes.”

He believes that part of problem is that there is an ambiguous message being put out. “There’s an unsaid message that it’s not a great idea, but don’t worry, we’ll take care of you if you do it. We need to have a clear, unified message that Jews should date Jews and Jews should marry Jews.”

Youth Groups

Many in the Jewish community argue the need for more and better preventative measures—activities that will give young people opportunities to meet other Jews—and fall in love. This includes more affordable Jewish education, summer camps, trips to Israel, youth groups and Hillel activities.

Inevitably, people find a mate within their circle of friends and coworkers. Whether Orthodox or Reform, Jews with varying positions on intermarriage can all agree that creating opportunities for Jews to meet, date and marry other Jews is a positive.

Educating the Future

Whether advocating in-reach, outreach, or some combination, Jewish leaders can all agree on one thing – Jewish education and learning is key to a vital Jewish future. Education allows intermarried families to make informed choices and connect to Jewish life. A comprehensive Jewish education in childhood is the single most predictive factor of a strong, Jewish identity as an adult. And adult education can make the difference between Jews who are engaged in Judaism and those who are alienated from the community.

“If people are the building blocks of a communal involvement,” says Rabbi Julius, “education is the mortar between them.”

Educational opportunities abound. Jewish day schools, no longer the sole purview of the Orthodox, are largely recognized to be a critical factor in forming a strong sense of Jewish identity and engagement. And day school children often lead their parents into closer affiliation. The greater Silicon Valley has four Jewish day schools.

Most synagogues have ongoing courses for all levels and ages. Sinai, for example, offers beginning classes such as "Introduction to Judaism" and "An Open Door to Judaism", cosponsored by Congregation Beth David. Classes on making Judaism meaningful, Hebrew classes, Torah study, and a variety of workshops on holidays and rituals. Usually such classes are open to all, not just synagogue members.

Still, the majority of Jews remain unengaged and under informed. Rabbi Levin, from Chabad in Palo Alto, says, “It’s not surprising that many Jews choose to marry non-Jews when they have grown up without a sense of the beauty and importance of Judaism.”

He is concentrating efforts on youth programming which emphasizes the unique and special nature of Jewish religion and heritage.

Rabbi Felsen also strongly advocates for investing in higher quality youth programming and education as well as creative ways to build bridges between the members of Silicon Valley’s dispersed Jewish community. He applauds initiatives like the Federation’s new young adult division. “It’s a great move,” says Felsen. “It ensures resources are allocated to create opportunity for Jews to meet other Jews.”

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