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Jewish Community News

Ask the Rabbi: June 2004

Ask the Rabbi

By Rabbi Dana Magat

Question:

After years of struggling, my husband and I have come to the painful realization that we can’t have children biologically. We’re thinking about adoption and want to know how Jewish tradition approaches this issue.

Answer:

Arriving at adoption is painful and disappointing to many families, and grieving your infertility is an important part of the process. At the same time, you may discover, as I have, that adoption carries its own profound blessings.

Jewish sources speak tenderly about adoption and the depth of adoptive family relationships. Several midrashim refer to biblical accounts of informal adoption. Pharaoh’s daughter, who drew Moses from the water, is not named in the Torah. Midrash Leviticus Rabbah explains that her name was Bityah or Batyah (God’s daughter), as a reward for the love she showed to Moses: “Moses was not your son, yet you called him your son. Likewise, you were not My daughter, but I will call you My daughter.” Similarly, adoption expert Rabbi Michael Gold mentions the midrash about Michal, the wife of King David. According to the Bible, she never had children all her life, yet the Bible elsewhere mentions her five sons. Noting this discrepancy, the Talmud remarks, “Her sister Merav gave birth to them and she raised them, therefore they are called by her name. This teaches that whoever brings up an orphan in their home is regarded by scripture as though the child had been born to them.” (Sanhedrin 19b)

Prospective parents frequently ask whether it is possible to adopt a Jewish child. For a number of reasons, relatively few Jewish children are placed for adoption domestically, and Israel does not permit Israeli children to be adopted internationally. Interestingly, Jewish authorities rule that it is actually preferable to adopt a non-Jewish child because of certain issues of Jewish legal status. A non-Jewish child adopted into a Jewish family should be converted, preferably at a very young age, and affirms his or her Jewish identity at the time of bar or bat mitzvah. Unlike Jews who convert as adults, however, the child should not be called ben Avraham avinu, “son of our ancestor Abraham,” but by the name of his adoptive parents.

Many adoptive parents also worry about whether their child will fit into the Jewish community, particularly if he or she is of another race or ethnic background, or has special needs. These concerns are real and should be addressed. Many congregations and communities, even with the best intentions, make incorrect assumptions about what it means to “look Jewish.” We are fortunate to live in a Jewish community that is relatively diverse; at the same time, it is important to look closely at individual synagogues, schools, and social programs. Scan the students in the carpool line: how many are Asian, South American, or African-American? Ask the rabbi or director whether they do outreach to a broad swath of the community. Ask the educator whether multicultural programming is included in the curriculum.

There are a few Jewish and secular resources to help you on this journey. Personal stories of other families’ experiences offer an important perspective. Your rabbi can help you connect with other people who are also exploring adoption as well as those who have traveled this path before you.